Medicine Show Sales Pitch

7 03 2010

Here is a comedy Medicine Show sales pitch that is filled with wordplay and silliness.  I want to thank Len “Doc” Wayne for ideas and inspiration for this.  His books and scripts are funny and well-written.  Track them down if you want ideas for magicians, entertainers and public speakers.

                             Medicine Show Pitch

(by Bob Bishop)

Ladies and gentleman, young and old, wise and otherwise before I start speaking let me say this.  I’m here today to elucidate, educate and enumerate a few priceless gems of wisdom that I have learned during my far‑flung life travels around the civilized and uncivilized world.  Yes, I come with a Suma Con Loudmouth Degree from Dim Wit U.  And furthermore it’s needless to say it’s needless to say and with that said I am here to say that one of the greatest goals man can attain is the conquest over human pain.  Now how about you? Yes, You!

Are you hurtin for certain?  Uh uh

Has your get up and go got up and went?  Uh uh

Have you blarted your bramisham and decasified your crambus?  Uh uh

Are you working your bingers to the phone and getting only phony bingers?  Uh uh

Well, pobodie’s nerfect. That’s right!

Well, whimper, weep and wallow in misery no more.  You brought your face to the right place. Now step in a little closer flokes because these arcane mysteries and esoteric anomalies are not for the  unassuming, unsophisticated, unwashed unsuspecting populace‑but for your tender ears and yours alone.

Friends, I know that you are all anxious for me to gesticulate about the perpendicular, pluperfect wondrous edifications of this Elixir of Life.  Let’s not bush around the beat any longer. Here is the answer to your questions, the solution to your problem and ailment for your cure. I am proud to prevent our High‑Potency Liver Regulated Gasteral Pepto Elmulsifiyer. Wow!

If you are like most people, and most people are, you won’t pass up this one and only, original, one‑hundred percent genuine respirated, perspirated, confiscated, ventilated, highly concentrated spiritus fermenti…compounded by me from an ancient secret concoction of natural and unnatural sperbs and hices. We have done extensive, expensive, recessive research and have left no turn unstoned to bring this truly pharmacopeia of medicinal wonders that will knock the behoozies out of everything that ails you from pain in the gasorkis to erasceration in your sabrifrom.  All this with no salubrius side effects.

And my friends it’s all blended to absolute perfection right in the privacy of my very own bath tub. Yes, flokes this is the very same hopping, skipping, jumping for joy juice that’ll put superlatives in your superscrazal, razzle in you dazzle, zippity in your doo‑dah, doo‑doo in your whoop‑de‑do..and dah dah in your lah‑de‑dah.

Do you feel perflexed, exasperated, flaxicated, irritated and agitated?  This will kick‑start your  faluzy and ignite that creative spark in your cerebral cortex.

So in confusion let me say this.

Don’t bite the hand that lays the golden egg. Don’t let a gift horse in the house because a horse divided against itself cannot stand or sit very well either. And if our High‑Potency Liver Regulated Gasteral Pepto Elmulsifiyer doesn’t sit well with you just return the unused portion of this wonderful Elixir and we’ll return the unused portion of your money. Be sure you read the label for more inflammation. Remember you can lead a horse to water but a pencil must be lead.  So get the lead out and buy High‑Potency Liver Regulated Gasteral Pepto Elmulsifiyer.

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One response

28 07 2011
Tom

Thanks for posting this. Loving these kinds of pitches is a secret pleasure for most of us. They tickle out brains and respond by giving them our money. We only resent it later after we’ve forgotten what it was we were buying. Not the product, but the pitch. Like dropping money in the guitar case of an unshaven musician playing on the street, we were paying to be sold. To be verbally Danced With. Courted by a stranger who made us feel good just listening to him.

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