Humorous Statements that Make you Wonder, Laugh or Say “Ouch”!!

13 12 2011

To the Critics- —loosen up    To the Cry babies- toughen up

If you seek a helping hand: there is one at the end of your arm.

Give me ambiguity …. or give me something else.

Some see the glass as half-empty, and some see the glass as half-full.  I see the glass as too big.

Kilometers are shorter than miles.. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

I almost don’t feel the way I do.

Ignore this message

The bigger they are, the worse they smell.

My watch stopped.  I think I’m down a quartz.

The truth is, Pavlov’s dog trained Pavlov to ring his bell just before the dog salivated.

Sometimes I can’t recall my mental blocks, so I try not to think about it.

I choose toilet paper through a process of elimination.

I went to the Missing Persons’ Bureau.  No one was there.

Question every statement-especially this one

Always do whatever’s next

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

I forgot to remember but I did remember to forget

I choose toilet paper through a process of elimination.

Consider the mosquito: he doesn’t get a pat on the back…until he goes to work.=

A day without sunshine is like…………..night.

Everyone is born crying….some never outgrow it.

You know when you are rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself?   That’s how I fell all the time.

You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re reading…reading..and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed?  I’m like that all the time.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that’s part of the experiment?  I’m like that all the time..

The sun got confuse about daylight savings time.  It rose twice.  Everything had two shadows.

I was up all night trying to round off infinity.   Tomorrow I am just going to do half of infinity.

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and get to the top, and you think there’s one more step?  I’m like that all the time.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn’t have to wait for it to age.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space.  On the back it said, AWish you were here.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody’s satellite dish. My dreams showed up on TV’s all over the world.

Whenever I think about the past, it brings back so many memories.

My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it.  So I’m going to move to New York.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I went to the store and bought some blank cassette tapes, when I got home I put one in my cassette deck and turned it up full blast. My neighbor called up and complained about the noise…he’s a mime.

There’s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices.  In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I have the oldest typewriter in the world.  It types in pencil.

I bought a dog the other day… I named him Stay.  It’s fun to call him…”Come here, Stay!  Come here, Stay!”  He went insane.

I got an answering machine for my phone.  Now when I’m not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal.  I like to leave messages before the beep.

I just got our of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident.  I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I’m writing a book.  I’ve got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.

I bought a million lottery tickets.  I won a dollar.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I bought a portable cable TV.

I got a garage door opener.  It can’t close.  Just open.

I went to 7-11 and asked for a 2 x 4 and a box of 3 x 5’s.  The clerk said “ten-four”

A metaphor is like a simile.

In school, every period ends with a bell.  Every sentence ends with a period.  Every crime ends with a sentence.

I took a course in speed waiting.  Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at anytime.”  So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn’t stop until you get to work.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.  I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

If you put pasta shells to your ear, can you hear the soup?

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some don’t have film.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Mental backup in progress- Do not Disturb.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Black holes are when the universe divides by zero.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view

I just got lost in  thought….it was unfamiliar territory.

Someday we’ll look back on this and plow into a parked car.





Funny Statements for Punsters

13 12 2011
  1.  Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.  The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

  2.  A jumper cable walks into a bar.  The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

  3.  A dyslexic man walks into a bra…….

  4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

  5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: A beer please , and one for the road.”

  6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.  One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?’!

  7. “Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.  Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”  “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.  “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

  8.  An invisible man marries an invisible woman.  The kids were nothing to look at either.

  9. Deja Moo: the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

  10.  I went to buy come camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

  11.  I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.





Famous Proverbs from Children

13 12 2011

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest.                                    Here is what the kids came up with:

 

Better to be safe than……… punch a 5th grader.

Strike while…………. the bug is close.

It’s always darkest before………. daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of………….. termites.

You can lead a horse to water but……… how?

Don’t bite the hand that…….. looks dirty.

No news is……… impossible.

A miss is as good as a…….. Mr.

You can’t teach an old dog…… math.

If you lie down with dogs……. you will stink in the morning.

The pen is mightier than the……. pigs.

Where there is smoke, there’s…… pollution.

A penny saved is……. not much.

Two is company, three’s……… The Musketeers.

Children should be seen and not………. spanked or grounded.

If at first you don’t succeed……. get new batteries.

When the blind lead the blind…….. get out of the way.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you,..?Cry and you have to blow your nose