Humorous Statements that Make you Wonder, Laugh or Say “Ouch”!!

13 12 2011

To the Critics- —loosen up    To the Cry babies- toughen up

If you seek a helping hand: there is one at the end of your arm.

Give me ambiguity …. or give me something else.

Some see the glass as half-empty, and some see the glass as half-full.  I see the glass as too big.

Kilometers are shorter than miles.. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

I almost don’t feel the way I do.

Ignore this message

The bigger they are, the worse they smell.

My watch stopped.  I think I’m down a quartz.

The truth is, Pavlov’s dog trained Pavlov to ring his bell just before the dog salivated.

Sometimes I can’t recall my mental blocks, so I try not to think about it.

I choose toilet paper through a process of elimination.

I went to the Missing Persons’ Bureau.  No one was there.

Question every statement-especially this one

Always do whatever’s next

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

I forgot to remember but I did remember to forget

I choose toilet paper through a process of elimination.

Consider the mosquito: he doesn’t get a pat on the back…until he goes to work.=

A day without sunshine is like…………..night.

Everyone is born crying….some never outgrow it.

You know when you are rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself?   That’s how I fell all the time.

You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re reading…reading..and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed?  I’m like that all the time.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that’s part of the experiment?  I’m like that all the time..

The sun got confuse about daylight savings time.  It rose twice.  Everything had two shadows.

I was up all night trying to round off infinity.   Tomorrow I am just going to do half of infinity.

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and get to the top, and you think there’s one more step?  I’m like that all the time.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn’t have to wait for it to age.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space.  On the back it said, AWish you were here.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody’s satellite dish. My dreams showed up on TV’s all over the world.

Whenever I think about the past, it brings back so many memories.

My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it.  So I’m going to move to New York.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I went to the store and bought some blank cassette tapes, when I got home I put one in my cassette deck and turned it up full blast. My neighbor called up and complained about the noise…he’s a mime.

There’s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices.  In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I have the oldest typewriter in the world.  It types in pencil.

I bought a dog the other day… I named him Stay.  It’s fun to call him…”Come here, Stay!  Come here, Stay!”  He went insane.

I got an answering machine for my phone.  Now when I’m not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal.  I like to leave messages before the beep.

I just got our of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident.  I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I’m writing a book.  I’ve got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.

I bought a million lottery tickets.  I won a dollar.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I bought a portable cable TV.

I got a garage door opener.  It can’t close.  Just open.

I went to 7-11 and asked for a 2 x 4 and a box of 3 x 5’s.  The clerk said “ten-four”

A metaphor is like a simile.

In school, every period ends with a bell.  Every sentence ends with a period.  Every crime ends with a sentence.

I took a course in speed waiting.  Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at anytime.”  So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn’t stop until you get to work.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.  I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

If you put pasta shells to your ear, can you hear the soup?

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some don’t have film.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Mental backup in progress- Do not Disturb.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Black holes are when the universe divides by zero.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view

I just got lost in  thought….it was unfamiliar territory.

Someday we’ll look back on this and plow into a parked car.

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