12 Dr Seuss Quotes To Refresh Your Perspective On Life & Make You Feel Spectacular

29 08 2014

Dr Seuss Quotes It was first grade and it was my turn to read a book in front of the class. I was terrified to say the least. I spent days agonizing over the perfect book. I wanted it to be inspirational. I wanted it to keep the other kids’ attention. I wanted it to be well, …great. After searching hi and lo I finally settled on a Dr. Seuss book. how-the-grinch-stole-christmas

It was easy to read, everyone loved how it rhymed, and it actually had a good message too. It was a hit! And I’ve been a Dr. Seuss fan ever since. My family will tell you that one of my favorite Christmas traditions is watching How The Grinch Stole Christmas every year. I can hear the song now… “You’re a mean one…Mr….” (you totally just finished the song in your head didn’t you…don’t lie ;-))

Anyway, it’s been a loooong time since first grade but today I would still like to share some timeless Dr. Seuss wisdom with you. So gather around class and listen up…

12 Dr. Seuss Quotes To Refresh Your                                                                                                  Perspective On Life & Make You Feel Spectacular

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#1

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”

Cherish the good memories and let go of the bad. You have the power to focus on whatever you choose. Smile at each good memory and realize they are gifts that you can hold onto forever.

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#2

“Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.”

Enjoy today. Live in the moment. But also have positive expectation. Don’t live for the future but plan for it, embrace it, and set yourself up to look forward to it. Do things today that your future self with thank you for.

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#3

“You’ll miss the best things if you keep your eyes shut.”

Get your sleep, but then get up and live, work, and make a difference. You have one life to live so go and make it spectacular. The choice is yours.

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#4

“Think and wonder, wonder and think”

Never lose that child like wonder. Never stop learning, growing, and challenging yourself.

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#5

“THINK! You can think any think that you wish.” 

The mind is a powerful tool. Whatever you think about grows. Are you thinking negative, self damaging thoughts? Maybe you should “think” about changing those into positive, uplifting, and life changing thoughts. Just “think” about it ok? ;-)

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#6

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.”

The choice is yours. Stop blaming. Stop procrastinating. Stop letting fear paralyze you. Do you like the path you’re on? Is it leading you toward the things you want in life? If so…good keep on it. If not…then steer yourself in a different direction. When you take 100% responsibility for where you are in life and where you plan to be…amazing things will happen.

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#7

“The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go.”

Readers are leaders. Evidence suggests reading can improve intelligence and lead to innovation and insight. It builds your self-image. Through reading we acquire knowledge to deal with any situation. And when we are well prepared, our self-image and self-confidence increase.

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#8

“Be who you are and say what you mean. Because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

You can’t please everyone so stop trying. Focus on you. Study yourself. Find out what makes you tick. Then vow to be the best version of you that you can be. You have a unique gift and a special purpose. Be proud, be purposeful, and don’t ever apologize for being you.

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#9

“Today I shall behave, as if this is the day I will be remembered.”

If you found out you had one week to live, would you change anything? Try to remember that none of us are promised a tomorrow. Live each day on purpose. Be intentional about your life and the legacy you will leave behind.

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#10

“Step with care and great tact. And remember that life’s a great balancing act.”

I don’t know about you but life turned out to be much harder than I anticipated. There are good days and bad days. Seasons of joy and seasons of sorry. Try to remember that everyone you meet is going through the same great balancing act. Everyone has their own battles, struggles, and sorrows. Show compassion wherever you can…even when undeserving.

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“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.”

Never underestimate the difference that you can make. Even in small things.  Don’t wait for other people to take action. Make the first move. Be the first to apologize. Send that text, write that email, say what you need to say. You be the one to make things better.

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#12

“You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And You are the one who’ll decide where to go…”

What are you going to do with the God-given gifts, talents, and abilities you have? It’s up to you. The decision is yours. Only time will tell…

– See more at: http://www.efficientlifeskills.com/12-dr-seuss-quotes-to-refresh-your-perspective-on-life-make-you-feel-spectacular





Editing Your Life’s Stories Can Create Happier Endings

2 01 2014

by LULU MILLER

January 01, 2014 2:00 PM

Daniel Horowitz for NPR

It was a rainy night in October when my nephew Lewis passed the Frankenstein statue standing in front of a toy store. The 2 1/2-year-old boy didn’t see the monster at first, and when he turned around, he was only inches from Frankenstein’s green face, bloodshot eyes and stitched-up skin.

The 4-foot-tall monster terrified my nephew so much that he ran deep into the toy store. And on the way back out, he simply couldn’t face the statue. He jumped into his mother’s arms and had to bury his head in her shoulder.

For hours after the incident, Lewis was stuck. He kept replaying the image of Frankenstein’s face in his mind. “Mom, remember Frankenstein?” he asked over and over again. He and his mom talked about how scary the statue was, how Lewis had to jump into her arms. It was “like a record loop,” my sister said.

But then, suddenly, Lewis’ story completely changed. My sister was recounting the tale to the family: how they left the store, how they had to walk by Frankenstein. And then — “I peed on him!!” Lewis blurted out triumphantly, with a glint in his eyes.

In that instant, Lewis had overpowered Frankenstein — if only in his mind.

“Well, your nephew is a brilliant story editor,'” says psychologist Tim Wilson of the University of Virginia.

Wilson has been studying how small changes in a person’s own stories and memories can help with emotional health. He calls the process “story editing.” And he says small tweaks in the interpretation of life events can reap huge benefits.

This process is essentially what happens during months, or years, of therapy. But Wilson has discovered ways you can change your story in only about 45 minutes.

Wilson first stumbled on the technique back in the early 1980s, when he found that a revised story helped college students who were struggling academically. “I’m bad at school” was the old story many of them were telling themselves. That story leads to a self-defeating cycle that keeps them struggling, Wilson says.

The new story Wilson gave them was: “Everyone fails at first.” He introduced the students to this idea by having them read accounts from other students who had struggled with grades at first and then improved. It was a 40-minute intervention that had effects three years later.

“The ones who got our little story-editing nudge improved their grades, whereas the others didn’t,” Wilson says. “And to our surprise … those who got our story-editing intervention were more likely to stay in college. The people in the control group were more likely to drop out.”

Similar interventions have also helped students feel like they fit in socially at college and have helped parents to stop abusing their kids.

The idea is that if you believe you are something else — perhaps smarter, more socially at ease — you can allow for profound changes to occur.

You can even try story-editing yourself at home with these writing exercises. Simply pick a troubling event. And write about it for 15 minutes each day for four days. That’s it.

These exercises have been shown to help relieve mental anguish, improve health and increase attendance at work.

No one is sure why the approach works. But Wilson’s theory is that trying to understand why a painful event happened is mentally consuming. People get stuck in thinking, “Why did he leave me?” or “Why was she so disappointed in me?” Or for Lewis, “Where did that scary Frankenstein face come from?”

As you write about the troubling, confusing event again and again, eventually you begin to make sense of it. You can put those consuming thoughts to rest.

So as you look forward to changing yourself this year, consider looking back on whatever your Frankensteins may be. And if you squint your eyes a little and turn your head just a bit, you may see that your leg was lifted. That maybe you did pee on him after all.





~ Puns for Educated Minds ~

3 10 2013
1. A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
2. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
3. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
4. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
5. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
6. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
7. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
8. I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
9. I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
10. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
11. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
12. When chemists die, apparently they barium.
13. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
14. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
15. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
16. We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
17. I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
18. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
19. When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
20. Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.
21. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
22. I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.
23. All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.
24. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
25.Velcro – what a rip off!
26. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
27. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
28. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
29. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.”
30. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
31. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says “Dam!”
32. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”
33. Did you hear about the Yoga teacher who refused Novocain during a root canal? Her goal: transcend dental medication.
34. It is hard to use puns when talking to kleptomaniacs because they take things literally.
35. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
~ Puns for Educated Minds ~

1. A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
2. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
3. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
4. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
5. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
6. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
7. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
8. I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
9. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
10. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
11. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
12. When chemists die, apparently they barium.
13. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
14. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
15. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
16. We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
17. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
18. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
19. When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
20. Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.
21. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
22. I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.
23. All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.
24. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
25.Velcro - what a rip off!
26. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
27. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
28. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
29. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.”
30. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
31. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says “Dam!”
32. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”
33. Did you hear about the Yoga teacher who refused Novocain during a root canal? Her goal: transcend dental medication.
34. It is hard to use puns when talking to kleptomaniacs because they take things literally.
35. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Like ·  · Share · 15815247 · 14 hours ago · 





Measurement conversions made easy

25 09 2013

For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was the constant conversion from feet and inches to the metric system, including all its Newtons, Joules, and Watts, here are some other useful conversions:

Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter:

Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup:

Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash:

1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:

1 bananosecond

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour:

Knot-furlong

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone:

1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine:

1 semicolon

1000 pains

1 kiloahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis:

1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes:

A straight line

454 graham crackers:

1 pound cake

1 million microphones:

1 megaphone

1 million bicycles:

2 megacycles

2000 mockingbirds:

two kilomockingbirds

10 cards:

1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs:

1 Fig Newton

1000 milliliters of wet socks:

1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish:

1 microfiche

1 trillion pins:

1 terrapin

10 rations:

1 decoration

100 rations:

1 C-ration

2 monograms:

1 diagram

8 nickels:

2 paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital:

1 I.V. League

100 Senators:

Not 1 decision





Mr. X and Wild Thing

27 08 2013

Photo





12 Comedian Quotes for When Your Job Makes You Want to Cry

27 08 2013

That motivation might come from an unexpected place, like the words of comedians. Funny folks like Amy Poehler and Louis C.K. might seem more likely to tickle your funny bone than inspire your thoughts, but if you stop laughing for a moment, you might learn something.

Even if you’re not looking to switch careers or aren’t quite ready to take a job leap, these 12 quotes should at least inspire you to be a slightly better version of you today.

  • 1.

    Steve-martin
    IMAGE: SEAN GALLUP/GETTY IMAGES
  • 2.

    Amy-poehler
    IMAGE: LARRY BUSACCA/GETTY IMAGES
  • 3.

    Louis-ck
    IMAGE: BRYAN BEDDER/GETTY IMAGES
  • 4.

    Kristen-wiig-quote
    IMAGE: FRAZER HARRISON/GETTY IMAGES
  • 5.

    Conan-obrien-quote
    IMAGE: JEMAL COUNTESS/GETTY IMAGES
  • 6.

    Bob-hope-quote
    IMAGE: GETTY, NEWSMAKERS
  • 7.

    Jon-stewart-quote
    IMAGE: KEVIN MAZUR/GETTY IMAGES FOR AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL
  • 8.

    Bill-cosby-quote
    IMAGE: JEMAL COUNTESS/GETTY IMAGES
  • 9.

    Tina-fey-quote
    IMAGE: JASON KEMPIN/GETTY IMAGES
  • 10.

    George-burns-quote-2
    IMAGE: CARLOS SCHIEBECK/AFP/GETTY IMAGES
  • 11.

    George-carlin-quote
    IMAGE: KEN HOWARD/GETTY IMAGES
  • 12.

    Ricky-gervais-quote




That’s How the Fight Started!!!

23 07 2013
These are hilarious…well worth the read!
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential 
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me 

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets 

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that 

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’ ‘No,’ she answered. I then …said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
… She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’ So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.” He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?” “Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…..
_____________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?” “Yes”, she sighed, “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started…
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
_____________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on TV?” I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started……
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver’s License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’
And then the fight started…
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’ So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’
That’s how the fight started.
________________________________
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started.




Fantastic Quotes About Math

13 06 2013

“Prime numbers are what is left when you have taken all the patterns away. I think prime numbers are like life. They are very logical but you could never work out the rules, even if you spent all your time thinking about them.”
Mark Haddon, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time

“I’ve got a few ideas,” (Amy) admitted. “But I don’t know where we’re going in the long term. I mean – have you ever thought about what this ultimate treasure could be?”
“Something cool.” (Dan)
“Oh, that’s real helpful. I mean, what could make somebody the most powerful Cahill in history? And why thirty-nine clues?”
Dan shrugged. “Thirty-nine is a sweet number. It’s thirteen times three. It’s also the sum of five prime numbers in a row – 3,5,7,11,13. And if you add the first three powers of three, 3 to the first, 3 to the second, and s to the third, you get thirty-nine.”
Amy stared at him. “How did you know that?”
“What do you mean? It’s obvious.”
Rick Riordan, The Maze of Bones

“If people do not believe that mathematics is simple, it is only because they do not realize how complicated life is.”
John von Neumann

“Philosophy [nature] is written in that great book which ever is before our eyes — I mean the universe — but we cannot understand it if we do not first learn the language and grasp the symbols in which it is written. The book is written in mathematical language, and the symbols are triangles, circles and other geometrical figures, without whose help it is impossible to comprehend a single word of it; without which one wanders in vain through a dark labyrinth.”
Galileo Galilei

“Statement: A girl and a boy jump into a river. The boy swims over to the girl and says, “God, it’s cold.”
Question: What’s the probability they will kiss?”
Jenny Downham, You Against Me

“It has become almost a cliché to remark that nobody boasts of ignorance of literature, but it is socially acceptable to boast ignorance of science and proudly claim incompetence in mathematics.”
Richard Dawkins

“Mathematics expresses values that reflect the cosmos, including orderliness, balance, harmony, logic, and abstract beauty.”
Deepak Chopra

“The formulation of the problem is often more essential than its solution, which may be merely a matter of mathematical or experimental skill.”
Albert Einstein

“It is the story that matters not just the ending.”
Paul Lockhart, A Mathematician’s Lament: How School Cheats Us Out of Our Most Fascinating and Imaginative Art Form

“It is impossible to be a mathematician without being a poet in soul.”
― Sophia Kovalevskaya

“The only reason I don’t know more about love is because there just isn’t more to know. In fact, I’ve reduced love to a mathematical formula: Hdgk(X)=H2k(X,Q)∩Hk,k(X). Actually, that’s not right. That’s the statement piece of the Hodge conjecture, but I’m sure you already knew that.
”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They’re Over.

“The vast majority of us imagine ourselves as like literature people or math people. But the truth is that the massive processor known as the human brain is neither a literature organ or a math organ. It is both and more.”
John Green

“A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems”
Paul Erdos

“The accumulation of birthdays is the leading cause of death in the United States and other large land masses. Now while that may not be 100% accurate, it is at least 88% accurate. Actually, the last sentence itself might not have been 100% accurate, but I’m 88% sure it was. Maybe I should just brush up on fractions and percentages before making statements that are liable to hurt the funeral industry, because if birthdays aren’t killing people then it’s bad for the mortality business. And if you can’t trust somebody to die, then you can’t trust somebody. But I’m somebody you can trust. I’m at least 88% trustworthy, at least 88% of the time. 
”
Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you’d still waste time by reading it.

 

“I can see patterns in events, and behaviors; in mathematics, I follow slower”
Jacqueline Carey, Kushiel’s Chosen

 

“Pray tell us, what’s your favorite number?”…
“Shiva jumped up to the board, uninvited, and wrote 10,213,223″…
“And pray, why would this number interest us?”
“It is the only number that describes itself when you read it, ‘One zero, two ones, three twos, two threes’.”
Abraham Verghese, Cutting for Stone

“When things get too complicated, it sometimes makes sense to stop and wonder: Have I asked the right question?”
Enrico Bombieri

“No mathematician in the world would bother making these senseless distinctions: 2 1/2 is a “mixed number ” while 5/2 is an “improper fraction.” They’re EQUAL for crying out loud. They are the exact same numbers and have the exact same properties. Who uses such words outside of fourth grade?”
Paul Lockhart, A Mathematician’s Lament: How School Cheats Us Out of Our Most Fascinating and Imaginative Art Form

 

“I’ll tell you once,
and I’ll tell you again.
There’s always a prime
between n and 2n.”
Paul Erdos, Topics in the Theory of Numbers

 

“Yes, but you need to learn your maths.”
“I don’t need to, really. I already know how to count to a hundred. And I’m sure I’ll never need more than a hundred of anything.”
Lisa Kleypas, Love in the Afternoon

 

“Infinite is a meaningless word: except – it states / The mind is capable of performing / an endless process of addition.”
Louis Zukofsky

 

“On a plaque attached to the NASA deep space probe we [human beings] are described in symbols for the benefit of any aliens who might meet the spacecraft as “bilaterly symmetrical, sexually differentiated bipeds, located on one of the outer spiral arms of the Milky Way, capable of recognizing the prime numbers and moved by one extraordinary quality that lasts longer than all our other urges—curiosity.”
David Wells

 

“Dreams are what guide us, art is what defines us, math is what makes it all possible, and love is what lights our way.”
Mike Norton

“The best way to be appreciative for your life is to live it; don’t die for any other reason but love. Dreams are what guide us, art is what defines us, math is makes it all possible, and love is what lights our way.”
Mike Norton, White Mountain

“…now Eli was my new neighbor. Which was fine with me because I sucked at Math. Math and I were not on speaking terms.”
Shelly Crane, Consume

“When a student comes and asks, “Should I become a mathematician?” the answer should be no. If you have to ask, you shouldn’t even ask.”
Paul Halmos

 

“What a shame,” signed the Dodecahedron. “They’re so very useful. Why, did you know that if a beaver two feet long with a tail a foot and a half long can build a dam twelve feet high and six feet wide in two days, all you would need to build Boulder Dam is a beaver sixty-eight feet long with a fifty-one-foot tail?”

“Where would you find a beaver that big?” grumbled the Humbug as his pencil point snapped.

“I’m sure I don’t know,” he replied, “but if you did, you’d certainly know what to do with him.”

“That’s absurd,” objected Milo, whose head was spinning from all the numbers and questions.

“That may be true,” he acknowledged, “but it’s completely accurate, and as long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? If you want sense, you’ll have to make it yourself.”
Norton Juster, The Phantom Tollbooth

“God has the Big Book, the beautiful proofs of mathematical theorems are listed here.”
Paul Erdos

“‎”There are two ways to do great mathematics. The first is to be smarter than everybody else. The second way is to be stupider than everybody else — but persistent.”
Raoul Bott

“Doing mathematics should always mean finding patterns and crafting beautiful and meaningful explanations.”
Paul Lockhart, A Mathematician’s Lament: How School Cheats Us Out of Our Most Fascinating and Imaginative Art Form

“Some people believe in imaginary friends. I believe in imaginary numbers.”
R.M. ArceJaeger

“Math is like water. It has a lot of difficult theories, of course, but its basic logic is very simple. Just as water flows from high to low over the shortest possible distance, figures can only flow in one direction. You just have to keep your eye on them for the route to reveal itself. That’s all it takes. You don’t have to do a thing. Just concentrate your attention and keep your eyes open, and the figures make everything clear to you. In this whole, wide world, the only thing that treats me so kindly is math.”
Haruki Murakami, 1Q84

“I think scientists have a valid point when they bemoan the fact that it’s socially acceptable in our culture to be utterly ignorant of math, whereas it is a shameful thing to be illiterate.”
Jennifer Ouellette, The Calculus Diaries: How Math Can Help You Lose Weight, Win in Vegas, and Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

“The greatest mathematics has the simplicity and inevitableness of supreme poetry and music, standing on the borderland of all that is wonderful in Science, and all that is beautiful in Art.”
Robert Turnbull

“The point about zero is that we do not need to use it in the operation of daily life. No one goes out to buy zero fish.”
Alfred North Whitehead

“Another mistaken notion connected with the law of large numbers is the idea that an event is more or less likely to occur because it has or has not happened recently. The idea that the odds of an event with a fixed probability increase or decrease depending on recent occurrences of the event is called the gambler’s fallacy. For example, if Kerrich landed, say, 44 heads in the first 100 tosses, the coin would not develop a bias towards the tails in order to catch up! That’s what is at the root of such ideas as “her luck has run out” and “He is due.” That does not happen. For what it’s worth, a good streak doesn’t jinx you, and a bad one, unfortunately , does not mean better luck is in store.”
Leonard Mlodinow, The Drunkard’s Walk: How Randomness Rules Our Lives

“Be honest: did you actually read [the above geometric proof]? Of course not. Who would want to?

The effect of such a production being made over something so simple is to make people doubt their own intuition. Calling into question the obvious by insisting that it be ‘rigorously proved’ … is to say to a student ‘Your feelings and ideas are suspect. You need to think and speak our way.”
Paul Lockhart, A Mathematician’s Lament: How School Cheats Us Out of Our Most Fascinating and Imaginative Art Form

“Senator, I make it a point never to do math in public.”
― Paul W.

“There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1.”
John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

“He walked straight out of college into the waiting arms of the Navy.

They gave him an intelligence test. The first question on the math part had to do with boats on a river: Port Smith is 100 miles upstream of Port Jones. The river flows at 5 miles per hour. The boat goes through water at 10 miles per hour. How long does it take to go from Port Smith to Port Jones? How long to come back?

Lawrence immediately saw that it was a trick question. You would have to be some kind of idiot to make the facile assumption that the current would add or subtract 5 miles per hour to or from the speed of the boat. Clearly, 5 miles per hour was nothing more than the average speed. The current would be faster in the middle of the river and slower at the banks. More complicated variations could be expected at bends in the river. Basically it was a question of hydrodynamics, which could be tackled using certain well-known systems of differential equations. Lawrence dove into the problem, rapidly (or so he thought) covering both sides of ten sheets of paper with calculations. Along the way, he realized that one of his assumptions, in combination with the simplified Navier Stokes equations, had led him into an exploration of a particularly interesting family of partial differential equations. Before he knew it, he had proved a new theorem. If that didn’t prove his intelligence, what would?

Then the time bell rang and the papers were collected. Lawrence managed to hang onto his scratch paper. He took it back to his dorm, typed it up, and mailed it to one of the more approachable math professors at Princeton, who promptly arranged for it to be published in a Parisian mathematics journal.

Lawrence received two free, freshly printed copies of the journal a few months later, in San Diego, California, during mail call on board a large ship called the U.S.S. Nevada. The ship had a band, and the Navy had given Lawrence the job of playing the glockenspiel in it, because their testing procedures had proven that he was not intelligent enough to do anything else.”
Neal Stephenson, Cryptonomicon

“My birthday is coming up. I was born on March 5th, 1982. Humans have come a long way since then—nearly 30 years, if my math is good. And my math better be good, because if my math’s no good, what’s that leave? I mean aside from English, art, science, social studies, history, geography, P.E., recess, and of course, lunch.
”
Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you’d still waste time by reading it.

“In any case, do you really think kids even want something that is relevant to their daily lives? You think something practical like compound interest is going to get them excited? People enjoy fantasy, and that is just what mathematics can provide — a relief from daily life, an anodyne to the practical workaday world.”
Paul Lockhart, A Mathematician’s Lament: How School Cheats Us Out of Our Most Fascinating and Imaginative Art Form

“So how does one go about proving something like this? It’s not like being a lawyer, where the goal is to persuade other people; nor is it like a scientist testing a theory. This is a unique art form within the world of rational science. We are trying to craft a “poem of reason” that explains fully and clearly and satisfies the pickiest demands of logic, while at the same time giving us goosebumps.”
Paul Lockhart, A Mathematician’s Lament: How School Cheats Us Out of Our Most Fascinating and Imaginative Art Form 

“There is a largeness about mathematics that transcends race and time; mathematics may humbly help in the market-place, but it also reaches to the stars.”
Robert Turnbull

“Incompetence in mathematics is no proof of brilliance. You must be ignorant of science and geography as well. That is the gold standard of American education.”
Bauvard, The Prince Of Plungers

“Why don’t we want our children to learn to do mathematics? Is it that we don’t trust them, that we think it’s too hard? We seem to feel that they are capable of making arguments and coming to their own conclusions about Napoleon. Why not about triangles?”
Paul Lockhart, A Mathematician’s Lament: How School Cheats Us Out of Our Most Fascinating and Imaginative Art Form

“I’m 30% in love, and if I ever rise to 70%, then I’ll be 100% in love. But I’ll still be mathematically challenged.
”
Jarod Kintz, Whenever You’re Gone, I’m Here For You

“Here’s the thing. Math and I broke up two years ago, and now whenever we get together it’s just weird and awkward for both of us.”
Sariah Wilson, The Ugly Stepsister Strikes Back

“In life two negatives don’t make a positive. Double negatives turn positive only in math and formal logic. In life things just get worse and worse and worse.”
Robert McKee, Story: Style, Structure, Substance, and the Principles of Screenwriting

“Oh, figures!’ answered Ned. ‘You can make figures do whatever you want.”
Jules Verne, 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea

“The language of categories is affectionately known as “abstract nonsense,” so named by Norman Steenrod. This term is essentially accurate and not necessarily derogatory: categories refer to “nonsense” in the sense that they are all about the “structure,” and not about the “meaning,” of what they represent.”
Paolo Aluffi, Algebra: Chapter 0 

“Looking at numbers as groups of rocks may seem unusual, but actually it’s as old as math itself. The word “calculate” reflects that legacy — it comes from the Latin word calculus, meaning a pebble used for counting. To enjoy working with numbers you don’t have to be Einstein (German for “one stone”), but it might help to have rocks in your head.”
Steven H. Strogatz, The Joy of x: A Guided Tour of Math, from One to Infinity

“Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth, but supreme beauty—a beauty cold and austere, like that of sculpture, without appeal to any part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trappings of painting or music, yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the greatest art can show.”
Bertrand Russell, A History of Western Philosophy

“He doesn’t seem to mind at all that he’s stupid about math.”
Wendy Lichtman, Secrets, Lies, and Algebra

 





Top 25 Quotes from Princess Bride

5 06 2013

25. Rhymes with Peanut
Inigo Montoya: That Vizzini, he can fuss.
Fezzik: Fuss, fuss… I think he like to scream at us.
Inigo Montoya: Probably he means no harm.
Fezzik: He’s really very short on charm.
Inigo Montoya: You have a great gift for rhyme.
Fezzik: Yes, yes, some of the time.
Vizzini: Enough of that.
Inigo Montoya: Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?
Fezzik: If there are, we all be dead.
Vizzini: No more rhymes now, I mean it.
Fezzik: Anybody want a peanut?

24. The Queen of Refuse
The Ancient Booer: Your true love lives. And you marry another. True Love saved her in the Fire Swamp, and she treated it like garbage. And that’s what she is, the Queen of Refuse. So bow down to her if you want, bow to her. Bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of Putrescence. Boo. Boo. Rubbish. Filth. Slime. Muck. Boo. Boo. Boo.

23. The book shows promise
Grandpa: Westley didn’t reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts, who never left captives alive. When Buttercup got the news that Westley was murdered…
The Grandson: Murdered by pirates is good.

22. The odds in your favor
Fezzik: We face each other as God intended. Sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.
Man in Black: You mean, you’ll put down your rock and I’ll put down my sword, and we’ll try and kill each other like civilized people?
Fezzik: [brandishing rock] I could kill you now.
Man in Black: Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting.
Fezzik: It’s not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don’t even exercise.

21. Dying with dignity
Fezzik: I just want you to feel you’re doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed.

20. A pirate gone soft
Buttercup: You mock my pain!
Man in Black: Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.

19. Decent fellows
Inigo Montoya: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.
The Man in Black: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die.

18. A spoonful of sugar
Valerie: The chocolate coating makes it go down easier. But you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency. And you shouldn’t go in swimming after, for at least, what?
Miracle Max: An hour?
Valerie: Yeah, an hour.

17. To the pain
Westley: To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose.
Prince Humperdinck: And then my tongue I suppose, I killed you too quickly the last time. A mistake I don’t mean to duplicate tonight.
Westley: I wasn’t finished. The next thing you will lose will be your left eye followed by your right.
Prince Humperdinck: And then my ears, I understand let’s get on with it.
Westley: Wrong! Your ears you keep and I’ll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, “Dear God! What is that thing,” will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.

16. It’ll take a miracle
Miracle Max and Valerie: Have fun stormin’ da castle.

15. Career choices
Inigo Montoya: I just work for Vizzini to pay the bills. There’s not a lot of money in revenge.

14. The pick-up line
Prince Humperdinck: Please consider me as an alternative to suicide.

13. The to-do list
Prince Humperdinck: Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work, but I’ve got my country’s 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder and Guilder to frame for it; I’m swamped.
Count Rugen: Get some rest. If you haven’t got your health, then you haven’t got anything.

12. Ewwwww…
The Grandson: They’re kissing again. Do we have to read the kissing parts?

11. Giant dreams
Man in Black: I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awake. But for now, rest well and dream of large women.

10. True love is like a sandwhich
Miracle Max: Sonny, true love is the greatest thing, in the world-except for a nice MLT – mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe. They’re so perky, I love that.

9. The clueless king
The King: [after Buttercup kisses him] What was that for?
Buttercup: Because you’ve always been so kind to me, and I’ll never see you again, because I’m killing myself as soon as we reach the bridal suite.
The King: Won’t that be nice? She kissed me! Ha!

8. The frog in the throat
The Albino: [raspy voice] The Pit of Despair! Don’t even think… [clears throat] … don’t even think about trying to escape.

7. The fair giant
Vizzini: Finish him. Finish him, your way.
Fezzik: Oh good, my way. Thank you Vizzini… what’s my way?
Vizzini: Pick up one of those rocks, get behind a boulder, in a few minutes the man in black will come running around the bend, the minute his head is in view, hit it with the rock.
Fezzik: My way’s not very sportsman-like.

6. The end
The Grandson: Grandpa, maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow.
Grandpa: As you wish.

5. Westley’s return from the dead
Westley: There’s a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours.

4. Inconceivable!
Vizzini: He didn’t fall?! Inconceivable!
Inigo Montoya: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

3. The battle of wits
Vizzini: You fell victim to one of the classic blunders—the most famous of which is, “Never get involved in a land war in Asia”—but only slightly less well-known is this: “Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line”! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha…[thunk].

2. The wedding
The Impressive Clergyman: Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam… And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva… So tweasure your wuv.
Prince Humperdinck: Skip to the end.
The Impressive Clergyman: Have you the wing?

1. Inigo Montoya kills Count Rugen
Inigo Montoya: Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!
Count Rugen: Stop saying that!
Inigo Montoya: HELLO! MY NAME IS INIGO MONTOYA! YOU KILLED MY FATHER! PREPARE TO DIE!
Inigo Montoya: Offer me money.
Count Rugen: Yes!
Inigo Montoya: Power, too, promise me that.
Count Rugen: All that I have and more. Please…
Inigo Montoya: Offer me anything I ask for.
Count Rugen: Anything you want…
Inigo Montoya: I want my father back, you son of a ……!





HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU’RE A TEACHER? By Jeff Foxworthy

28 03 2013
1.You get a secret thrill out of laminating things.
2.You can hear 25 voices behind you and know exactly which one belongs to the child out of line.
3.You walk into a store and hear the words, “It’s Ms./Mr. ____________ and know you have been spotted.
4.You have 25 people who  accidentally call you Mom/Dad at one time or another.
5.You can eat a multi-course meal in under 25 minutes.
6.You’ve trained yourself to go to the bathroom at two distinct times of the day, lunch and planning period.
7.You start saving other people’s trash, because most likely, you can use that toilet paper tube or plastic butter tub for something in the classroom.
8.You believe the Teacher’s Lounge should be equipped with a margarita machine.
9.You want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to work 7 to 3 and have summers off”.
10.You believe chocolate is a food group.
11.You can tell if it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.
12. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy, the kids are sure mellow today.”
13.You feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior when you are out in public.
14.You believe in aerial spraying of Ritalin.
15.You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
16.You spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own children.
17.You can’t pass the school supply aisle without getting at least 5 items!
18. You ask your friends to use their words and explain if the left hand turn he made was a “good choice” or “bad choice.”
19.You find true beauty in a can full of perfectly sharpened pencils.
20. You are secretly addicted to hand sanitizer. 21.You understand, instantaneously, why a child behaves in a certain way after meeting his/her parents.




Introducing the new BIO-OPTIC ORGANIZED KNOWLEDGE device, trade named BOOK.

28 03 2013

Introducing the new BIO-OPTIC ORGANIZED KNOWLEDGE device, trade named BOOK.

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on!!!

It’s so easy to use, even a child can operate it. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere—even sitting in an armchair by the fire — yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.

HERE’S HOW IT WORKS

BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufactures to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increase in information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more pages.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.

BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable i dropped overboard. The “browse” feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an “index” feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval. An optional “BOOKmark” accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session — even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarkers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number i limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the PORTABLE ERASABLE NIB CRYPTIC INTERCOMMUNICATIONAL LANGUAGE STYLUS (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK’s appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking. Look for a flood of new titles soon!!!





Life Lessons at 90 years old

3 12 2012

Written by Regina Brett , 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio …

“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I’ve ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short – enjoy it.

4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and
family will.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye But don’t worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything which isn’t useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.

18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It’s never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.

20 When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t
save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, and then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will
this matter?’

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive but don’t forget.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d
grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you need.

42. The best is yet to come…

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”





THERE ARE TEACHERS… AND THEN THERE ARE EDUCATORS.

14 09 2012

LIPSTICK IN SCHOOL

ACCORDING TO A NEWS REPORT, A CERTAIN PRIVATE CATHOLIC SCHOOL IN BRISBANE WAS RECENTLY FACED WITH A UNIQUE PROBLEM. A NUMBER OF 12-YEAR-OLD GIRLS WERE BEGINNING TO USE LIPSTICK AND WOULD PUT IT ON IN THE BATHROOM. THAT WAS FINE PROVIDED IT WAS OF A NATURAL OR NEUTRAL SKIN TONE — BUT AFTER THEY PUT ON THEIR LIPSTICK THEY WOULD PRESS THEIR LIPS TO THE MIRROR LEAVING DOZENS OF LITTLE LIP PRINTS. EVERY NIGHT THE MAINTENANCE MAN WOULD REMOVE THEM AND THE NEXT DAY THE GIRLS WOULD PUT THEM BACK.

FINALLY THE PRINCIPAL, SISTER PASCHAL, DECIDED THAT SOMETHING HAD TO BE DONE. SHE CALLED ALL THE GIRLS TO THE BATHROOM AND MET THEM THERE WITH THE MAINTENANCE MAN. SHE EXPLAINED THAT ALL THESE LIP PRINTS WERE CAUSING A MAJOR PROBLEM FOR THE CUSTODIAN WHO HAD TO CLEAN THE MIRRORS EVERY NIGHT (YOU CAN JUST IMAGINE THE YAWNS FROM THE LITTLE PRINCESSES). TO DEMONSTRATE HOW DIFFICULT IT HAD BEEN TO CLEAN THE MIRRORS, SISTER PASCHAL ASKED THE MAINTENANCE MAN TO SHOW THE GIRLS HOW MUCH EFFORT WAS REQUIRED. HE TOOK OUT A LONG-HANDLED SQUEEGEE, DIPPED IT IN THE TOILET, AND CLEANED THE MIRROR WITH IT. SINCE THEN, THERE HAVE BEEN NO LIP PRINTS ON THE MIRROR.

THERE ARE TEACHERS… AND THEN THERE ARE EDUCATORS.





What’s going on with Mr. X?

8 05 2012

Mr. X, the Magician, (AKA Bob Bishop) has been busy performing his unique shows. Recently he has been busy performing at conventions, restaurants, parties, conferences and businesses.

He has been creating Magical Moments that leave a lasting impression!  If you are an event planner needing an illusionist or close-up magician for your conference, awards dinner or party, Mr. X is your best choice!

Take a look at my face book and get as many people as you can to Like it.

Our goal is to get 500 by May 25th!!

Look it up and see what you think.

https://www.facebook.com/MrXCorporateMagician

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Math-Magician/272971359454909

Web page is http://www.odysseylearningadventures.com/





More Fun with Shakespeare! (Sillyquies)

5 03 2012

To run, or not to run   by   Billy F.

To run,or not to run: that is the question,

Whether’tis colder in the feet to suffer

Theice and snow of my yard

Or totake steps against the cold of my yard

And byopposing end it? To run: to fall

Nomore and, by a fall to say, we end

Thecold and the thousand natural cuts

Thatfeet are heir to ’tis a consummation

Devoutlyto be wish’d to walk, to fall

To layperchance to cold, ay there’s the problem

For inthe fall of death what toe fungus might infect?

Whenwe have shuffled off these cold feet

Must we give pause? To ice

For who would bear the cold and ice of my yard

The oppresses fall and the runners win

To solve or not to solve by  Madison

To solve or not to solve: that is the question

whether ’tis nobler to do the right mathematics

or the slings and arrows of logic and reasoning

or to take the arms of algebra or calculus

and by opposing solve the?

To solve, to determine, to determine; and by determine we end

the confusion is heir to, ’tis a consummation

devoutly to be wished.

To solve, to determine, to determine: pechance a drean to buy a mathematics book:

ay, there’s the answer

Soliloquy by Zack M.

To learn, or not to learn: that is the question,

Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer,

The slings and arrows of outrageous urges to slack,

Or to take arms against a sea of challenges,

And by opposing, end them? To learn: to slack,

No more; and, by concentrating to say: we end,

The heart-ache and the thousand natural challenges,

That mind is heir to, a consummation,

Devoutly to be wish’d. To learn: to slack,

To slack: a chance to sleep,

For in that sleep what dreams may come,

When we have shuffled all this mortal slacking.

Soliloquy by Wylie H.

To pull or not to pull

To pull or not to pull, that is the question:

Whether ‘tis better for us  to  pull

The lever of the tractor beam

Or to grab one amongst a sea of cows

And by grabbing pull it to the saucer;

No more; for, the cow may be hurt

By the tugging of the hand and the thousand natural shakes

That hands are heir to, ‘tis a happy cow

Devoutly to be wished. To pull, to strain;

To strain, perchance to injure: ay there’s a question;

For in the pain of strain why not use the tractor beam?

To Take a Cookie or not to Take a Cookie  by Sebastian D.

To take a cookie or not to take a cookie: that is the question

Whether‘tis nobler in the mouth to suffer

The wrath of disgraceful parents,

Or beararms against the wrath of trouble

And byhiding end it? To get a beating, to cry;

No more;and by a beating, we mean an end

The stomachache and the thousand angry yells

That earsare heir to, ‘tis consumption

Devoutly to eat. To ache, to eat;

To eat: perchanced to munch: ay, there’s the chocolate chip

For in that stomach ache of death, dreams may come

 To Breathe, or Not to Breathe  by  V. Miller

To Breathe or Not to Breathe: that is the question:

Whether ‘tis nobler of the mind to suffer

oxygen deprivation from the lungs,

Or to take arms against cigarette smoke,

And by opposing, end it? To breathe: to be free;

No more; and, by a held breath, to say we end

The lung-ache and the thousand unnatural products

That cigarettes comprise, ‘tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wish’d. To breathe, to be free;

To be free: perchance to dream: aye, there’s the stench

For in the freedom of breathing, what cancers may come

When we have taken the breath,

Must give us pause. There’s the respect

That shortens our life.

Lilje’s Soliloquy  by  Lily B.

Tochange font, or not to change font: that is the question:

Whether‘tis nobler to stay to Times New Roman

Tobrave the typos and glitches of outrageous boredom,

Orto take arms against the sea of requirements,

Andby opposing such, end such? To not type, to write;

Nomore; and by not typing to say we end

The finger-acheand the million natural sores

Thatknuckles are heir to, ‘tis a final word

Sincerelyto be typed. To not type, to write;

Tonot type, and if to find another cure to boredom, ay, there’s the trouble;

Forin not typing what new remedies may come

Whenwe have started to write by hand,

Mustgive our hands rest. Respect thy hands

Thatmakes chaos in a long essay.

A Hamlet Parody  by  Lindsey H.

To write, or not to write: that is the question:

Whether‘tis nobler in the pen to suffer

Thepain of writing to your grandmother,

Orto battle the potent pen on paper,

Andby opposing end it? To scribble: to scrawl;

Nomore; and, by a scrawl to say we careless

Theagonizing torture and the thousand penetrating nags

That afflict us, ‘tis a culmination

Sincerely to be dreamt. To scribble, to scrawl;

To scrawl: conceivably to vividness: ay, there’s the blankness;

Forin that moment of torture what bedtimes may arise

When we have drained out this dreaded ink

Musterupt in triumph. There’s the respect

 

Messy Room Soliloquy    by  Ryan Q.

To clean or not to clean: that is the question:

Whether ‘tis wiser in the mind to tire the toil and boredom of pointless boredom,

Or to not clean the mess in the room,

And by ignoring the mess, leave it?

To play: to ignore; not clean;

And by ignoring the mess we end the toil and thousand scattered objects that I’m meant to clean,

‘Tis a required task to do.

To play, to ignore; to ignore: perchance to play:

Ah, there’s the problem; for when we have ignored this messy room,

We have time to play,

But I’ll clean the room anyway

 





Humor with Shakespeare

2 03 2012

This week I asked my students to create a parody of Hamlet’s fourth soliloquy.

Here is the original…

To be, or not to be

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come

Have fun reading these great humorous renditions of Shakespeare……………

To Pick or Not to Pick Soliloquy

by Ciera J.

To pick, or not to pick: that is the question:

Whether ‘tis nobler in the nose to bleed

From the edge and thickness of the human finger

Or take arms against a nose full of mucus

And by using a tissue, end it? To mine for gold;

No more; and, by mine to say we empty

The muck and the thousand natural globs

The nose is heir to, ‘tis a constipation

Of the nose to be picked. To not to pick, to pick;

To pick: perchance to empty the nose: ay, there’s the pick;

For in that emptying of the nose what gold you may find

When we have picked this mortal snot,

Must give us jewels.

Hamlet Soliloquy

by Avery F.

To fart or not to fart; that is the question

Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of public humiliation

Or to take arms against a sea of constipation

And by opposing end a flawless reputation? To fart, to release

No more; and, by a fart to say we end,

The abdominal pain and the thousand natural diseases

That the body is heir to.

Devoutly to be wished; to fart, to release.

Ay, there’s the rub.

For in the fart of truth what stench may escape?

When I have shuffled out this precious wind

To Cross or Not to Cross

by Evan R.

To cross or not to cross: that is the question:

Whether ‘tis nobler in the body to suffer the pain of car bumpers and wheels of outrageous,burden

or to sprint across the road of troubles,

And by running end it? To run: to walk;

No more; and,by a walk to say we end,

The heartache of a thousand steel cars

That flesh is heir to. ‘tis a running

Devoutly tobe wish’d. To run: to walk;

Perchance to fall: ay, there’s the scratch

For in that walk of death what falls may come.

 To run, or not to run

by Billy F.

To run, or not to run: that is the question,

Whether ’tis colder in the feet to suffer

The ice and snow of my yard

Or to take steps against the cold of my yard

And by opposing end it? To run: to fall

No more and, by a fall to say, we end

The cold and the thousand natural cuts

That feet are heir to ’tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wish’d to walk, to fall

To lay perchance to cold, ay there’s the problem

For in the fall of death what toe fungus might infect?

When we have shuffled off these cold feet

Must we give pause? To ice

For who would bear the cold and ice of my yard

The oppresses fall and the runners win

To Move Or Not To Move

by Sophia W.

To move or not to move: that is the question:

Whether ‘tis better for the light to leave

The warmth and coziness of blanketed beds,

Or to take arms against the shining lights,

And by turning them off? To move: to freeze;

No warmth; and, by a light to say we end

The peaceful night and the thousand naturaldreams

That sleep is heir to, ‘tis a disruption

Here to be turned off. To move, to freeze;

To freeze: wake in a day: ay, there’s the rub;

For in that awakening of light, what day may come

To Text, or Not To Text

By Kaleb P.

To text, or not to text, that is the question:

Whether ‘tis nobler in the school to suffer

The yelling at you of the teacher for not,

Or to take arms against the sea of zeros,

And by opposing end them? To text, to fail;

Much more, and by a text we do fail;

Receive and loathe the thousand natural F’s

That mind is heir to, ‘tis a horrible halt

Gladly to be thought of,

To text, surely fail; Oh, there’s the F.

For in that text of dumb,

What words may come!

ToLick, or Not to Lick?

Tristan M.

To lick, or not to lick: thatis the question,

Whether ‘tis nastier on the tongue to lick

The floors and walls of your mother’s bathroom,

Or to take arms against the sea of bacteria,

And thus by disinfecting, end them? To die: to taste;

Mouth wash; and by a taste to say we enjoyed

The stomach-ache and the thousand natural tastes

That the tongue is heir to,‘tis a consumation

Devoutly to be eaten. To die,to taste;

To taste perchance to lick: ay,there’s the rum;

For in that taste of death what gags may come

When we have wiped off this nasty slime,

Must give us a taste. There’sthe respite

That makes regurgitation of solong bile;

For who would bear the licks and tastes of time,

The licker’s wrong, the vile man’sconsumly,

The pangs of stomach ulcers,the licks delay,

The sauce of office, and the spurns

That patient volatile of disgusting takes,

When he himself might his gorge take

With a solitary bottle? Who would hurdles tear,

To grunt and sweat under a tremendous burden,

But that the taste of bile after disgorge,

The despised tongue from whose born

No traveler enjoys, tastes at will,

And makes us bear those spills we have

Than fly to utters that we know not of?

Thus contents make sissies of us all;

And thus the native hug of germs revolution

Is sickened o’er the pale cast of soap,

And enterprises of great pitchand throw up

With this retard his effortsturn awry,

And lose the face of election.Coughed you now!

My fair Toothbrush! Nymph, in thy scrubbing

Be all my toothache sremembered.





It’s about Time (Creativity for 2012)

1 01 2012

It’s about Time

by Robert Bishop (based on an idea by Joel Barker)

Here is a story for those who have more than a passing interest in time.

About 400 years ago there was a battle over time.  You see, it was around the 1600’s when the first pocket watch was introduced.  Now people had time on their hands. But there were many who thought clocks were meant to be in towers, not in trousers. Perhaps it was because the first model was the size and shape of a lemon.  For the stylish gentleman this meant the convenience of knowing the precise time but did create a rather unsightly bulge in his trousers.

As time passed, it became the fashion to spend time designing thinner watches.  Watch designers worked around the clock and even put in overtime in this race against time to create the thinnest watch.  By the 1700’s the French and British compressed the timepiece to 1 ½ inches thick. One hundred years later they squeezed the mechanism to ¾ of an inch.  By 1850 manufacturers bottomed out at ¾ of an inch.  You could say they were pressed for time.  Surprisingly this is still the thickness of most watches today.

As thinness reached its limit, the watch industry started to rotate the crank turning the gears of price and performance; lower price, more accuracy, lower price, more accuracy.  But, like clockwork, a new battle was about to begin.  It was only a matter of time when the pendulum would swing to a new battlefront.

Allow me to explain. Before WWII the Swiss owned 90% of the watch market.  And even up to 1968 they still enveloped most of the world market share.  But time was running out for the Swiss. In ten years their corner on the market plummeted to almost nothing and they even had to release most of their workers.  This was the original time release formula of downsizing.  What happened?  What time bomb hit the Swiss?  They themselves were enveloped and wrapped up in their old way of thinking. You might say that they were stitched in time.

A new nation soon dominated the watch making industry.  In the past this nation was unknown for watches.  But now Japan led the watch industry.  How could the Swiss,who controlled watch making for the entire 20th century, known for excellence and innovation, experience such a timely demise?  Were they just killing time?  What was the key to the failure of the Swiss and the success of Japan?

The answer was profoundly simple.  The Swiss were put back to ground zero by a paradigm shift — a paradigm gear shift. Many of you are wearing this paradigm shift on your wrist right now if you took time to put them on.  The quartz movement watch is totally electronic using only one moving part. It is one thousand times more accurate, more versatile and even thinner than the mechanical watch.

Who made time to invent this wonderful idea of using Quartz crystals for time keeping? Some of you already know the answer. The Quartz crystal watch was invented by the Swiss themselves in Neuchatel at their research laboratories. But when the researchers presented this idea to their manufacturers they were closed to the idea.  Their minds were locked. How did the              engineers feel about this rejection?

I bet it really ticked them off.

I bet they really wanted to clean their clock.

They may have heard the manufacturers say these timeless killer phrases:

“It doesn’t have any gears to mesh with what we havealways done,”

“We don’t have time for this,”

“This won’t wind up anywhere,”

“What a waste of time,”

“It just doesn’t tick.”

So confident were they, so locked in their mental box– in their “parabox.” They didn’t protect their idea.

They were not watching out for the possible time change.

They must have been “half past” out.

Texas instruments of America and Seiko of Japan took one look and the rest was history.

You see, they made the time.

For them it was good time management, perfect timing.

Time was definitely on their side.

They were having the time of their lives.

They were on a Roll……ex.

But for the Swiss . . . they had no time share in this.

And now they were living on borrowed time.

Things were winding down.

Soon their time would be up.

Yes, they were out of time.

They couldn’t beat the clock.

They took a licking, and kept on ticking.

They virtually disappeared from the marketplace.  They were locked in their old way of thinking — in a box, in a time capsule.  They refused to set their clocks to one of the biggest changes in the history of timekeeping. They were trying to make time stand still.  But you can’t turn back the clock when times change.  The rules had changed.  Not even the best watchmakers of the world could stop time.  They couldn’t call time out to progress.

There is a message here for all of us for all time that will help us remember the moral of this timely parable . . . that will help us be more clockwise. Don’t let old timeworn paradigms imprison your ideas in a box like serving time in a prison cage!! We need to break through the walls to create new ideas and not be behind the times. Only then can we spring open the doors to the future and get outside of the paradigm box!!!





Accident Report..You think you are having a bad day??

25 12 2011

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information.  In block #3 of the accident reporting form, I put “trying to do the job alone” as the cause of the accident.  You said in your letter I should explain more fully, and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade.  On the date of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building.  When I completed my work, I discovered I had about 500 pounds of brick left over.  Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up onto the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the brick into it.  Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of brick.  You will note in block #11 of the accident report that I weigh 135 pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.  Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down.  This explains the fractured skull and broken collar bone.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.  Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of the pain.  At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.  Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighs about 50 pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in block #11.  As you might imagine I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.  This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks — in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me — again I lost my presence of mind, and let go of the rope.  The empty barrel weighed more than the rope, so it came back down on me and broke both of my legs.

I hope I have furnished the information you require as to how the accident occurred.

Tracing the origin of this tale is quite interesting…..you may want to trace a few of these threads.

–For a history of the origin of this tale see http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/bricks.asp

–For a funny animated version of this on Youtube see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFiE2WFBmg8&feature=related

–For   Gerard Hoffnung version called Bricklayers Lament see   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aI8ft3oZAik&feature=related

—For the “The Sick Note”  Sean Cannon – The Dubliners singing a version see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66cxc9emQgY&feature=related

—For the Mythbusters version start with http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ihOYiQkZEI&feature=watch_response_rev





Only in America……………..

24 12 2011

1. Only in America……can a pizza get to  your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America……are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America……do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America……do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America……do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America……do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

10. Only in America……do they have drive‑up ATM machines with Braille lettering.





Humorous Questions that Make you think Twice Part #3

24 12 2011

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse‑flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?





Humorous Statements that Make you Wonder, Laugh or Say “Ouch”!!

13 12 2011

To the Critics- —loosen up    To the Cry babies- toughen up

If you seek a helping hand: there is one at the end of your arm.

Give me ambiguity …. or give me something else.

Some see the glass as half-empty, and some see the glass as half-full.  I see the glass as too big.

Kilometers are shorter than miles.. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

I almost don’t feel the way I do.

Ignore this message

The bigger they are, the worse they smell.

My watch stopped.  I think I’m down a quartz.

The truth is, Pavlov’s dog trained Pavlov to ring his bell just before the dog salivated.

Sometimes I can’t recall my mental blocks, so I try not to think about it.

I choose toilet paper through a process of elimination.

I went to the Missing Persons’ Bureau.  No one was there.

Question every statement-especially this one

Always do whatever’s next

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

I forgot to remember but I did remember to forget

I choose toilet paper through a process of elimination.

Consider the mosquito: he doesn’t get a pat on the back…until he goes to work.=

A day without sunshine is like…………..night.

Everyone is born crying….some never outgrow it.

You know when you are rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself?   That’s how I fell all the time.

You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re reading…reading..and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed?  I’m like that all the time.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that’s part of the experiment?  I’m like that all the time..

The sun got confuse about daylight savings time.  It rose twice.  Everything had two shadows.

I was up all night trying to round off infinity.   Tomorrow I am just going to do half of infinity.

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and get to the top, and you think there’s one more step?  I’m like that all the time.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn’t have to wait for it to age.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space.  On the back it said, AWish you were here.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody’s satellite dish. My dreams showed up on TV’s all over the world.

Whenever I think about the past, it brings back so many memories.

My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it.  So I’m going to move to New York.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I went to the store and bought some blank cassette tapes, when I got home I put one in my cassette deck and turned it up full blast. My neighbor called up and complained about the noise…he’s a mime.

There’s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices.  In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I have the oldest typewriter in the world.  It types in pencil.

I bought a dog the other day… I named him Stay.  It’s fun to call him…”Come here, Stay!  Come here, Stay!”  He went insane.

I got an answering machine for my phone.  Now when I’m not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal.  I like to leave messages before the beep.

I just got our of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident.  I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I’m writing a book.  I’ve got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.

I bought a million lottery tickets.  I won a dollar.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I bought a portable cable TV.

I got a garage door opener.  It can’t close.  Just open.

I went to 7-11 and asked for a 2 x 4 and a box of 3 x 5’s.  The clerk said “ten-four”

A metaphor is like a simile.

In school, every period ends with a bell.  Every sentence ends with a period.  Every crime ends with a sentence.

I took a course in speed waiting.  Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at anytime.”  So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn’t stop until you get to work.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.  I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

If you put pasta shells to your ear, can you hear the soup?

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some don’t have film.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Mental backup in progress- Do not Disturb.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Black holes are when the universe divides by zero.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view

I just got lost in  thought….it was unfamiliar territory.

Someday we’ll look back on this and plow into a parked car.





Famous Proverbs from Children

13 12 2011

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest.                                    Here is what the kids came up with:

 

Better to be safe than……… punch a 5th grader.

Strike while…………. the bug is close.

It’s always darkest before………. daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of………….. termites.

You can lead a horse to water but……… how?

Don’t bite the hand that…….. looks dirty.

No news is……… impossible.

A miss is as good as a…….. Mr.

You can’t teach an old dog…… math.

If you lie down with dogs……. you will stink in the morning.

The pen is mightier than the……. pigs.

Where there is smoke, there’s…… pollution.

A penny saved is……. not much.

Two is company, three’s……… The Musketeers.

Children should be seen and not………. spanked or grounded.

If at first you don’t succeed……. get new batteries.

When the blind lead the blind…….. get out of the way.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you,..?Cry and you have to blow your nose





Humorous Questions that make You Think Twice Part 2

20 11 2011

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time band leaders semiconductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?

Day light savings time-why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic’?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries have a ‘use by’ date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no‑one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out’?

What do people in China call their good plates?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash courses?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4′s”?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help “groups”?

How do you get off a nonstop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing “Happy Birthday?”

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear ear muffs?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

Why do the signs that say “Slow Children” have a picture of a running child?

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one enjoys it! ?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?!

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

f lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys              deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaner depressed?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?                          Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their               pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Edit : Edit Comments : 1 Comment » Categories : Creativity, For Teachers, Humor





The Insanity of the English Language

18 11 2011

1)  The bandage was wound around the  wound.

2) The farm was used  to produce produce.

3) The  dump was so full that it had to refuse  more refuse.

4) We  must polish the Polish  furniture.

5) He could lead  if he would get the lead  out.

6) The soldier decided to  desert his dessert in the  desert.

7) Since there is no  time like the present, he thought it  was time to present the  present.

8) A bass  was painted on the head of the bass  drum.

9) When shot at, the  dove dove into the  bushes.

10) I did not object  to the object.

11)  The insurance was invalid for the  invalid.

12) There was a  row among the oarsmen about how to  row.

13) They were too  close to the door to close  it.

14) The buck does  funny things when the does  are present.

15) A seamstress and a  sewer fell down into a sewer  line.

16) To help with planting,  the farmer taught his sow to  sow.

17) The wind  was too strong to wind the  sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear  in the painting I shed a  tear..

19) I had to  subject  the  subject to a series of  tests.

20) How can I intimate  this to my most intimate  friend?

Let’s face it –  English is a crazy language. There is no egg in  eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor  pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t  invented in England or French fries in France .  Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which  aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for  granted.. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find  that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are  square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor  is it a pig..

And why is it that writers  write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce  and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is  teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One  goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index,  2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make  amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of  odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,  what do you call it?

If teachers taught,  why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats  vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?  Sometimes I think all the English speakers should  be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.  In what language do people recite at a play and  play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by  ship? Have noses that run and feet that  smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat  chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise  guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the  unique lunacy of a language in which your house  can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in  a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm  goes off by going on.

English was invented  by people, not computers, and it reflects the  creativity of the human race, which, of course, is  not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are  out, they are visible, but when the lights are  out, they are invisible.

PS. – Why doesn’t  ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’ ?

 You  lovers of the English language might enjoy this  ..

There is a two-letter word that perhaps  has more meanings than any other two-letter word,  and that is ‘UP.’

It’s  easy to understand UP,  meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list,  but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake  UP  ? At a  meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why  do we speak UP  and  why are the officers UP  for  election and why is it UP  to  the secretary to write UP  a  report?

We call UP  our  friends. And  we use it to brighten UP  a  room, polish UP  the  silver; we warm UP  the  leftovers and clean UP  the  kitchen. We  lock UP  the  house and some guys fix UP  the  old car. At  other times the little word has real special  meaning. People stir UP  trouble,  line UP  for  tickets, work UP  an  appetite, and think UP  excuses. To  be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed  UP  is  special. A  drain must be opened UP  because  it is stopped UP. We  open UP  a  store in the morning but we close it  UP  at  night.

We seem to be pretty mixed  UP  about  UP! To  be knowledgeable about the proper uses of  UP,  look the word UP  in  the dictionary. In a  desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP  almost  1/4th of the page and can add UP  to  about thirty definitions. If  you are UP  to  it, you might try building UP  a  list of the many ways UP  is  used. It  will take UP  a  lot of your time, but if you don’t give  UP,  you may wind UP  with  a hundred or more. When  it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding  UP.. When  the sun comes out we say it is  clearingUP.

When  it rains, it wets the earth and often messes  things UP.

When  it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry  UP.

One  could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it  UP, for  now my time is UP, so……..it is time to shut  UP!





Quotes from Douglas Adams

2 03 2011

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t.

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. 

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.

He shifted his weight from foot to foot, but it was equally uncomfortable on each.

He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher… or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

I don’t believe it. Prove it to me and I still won’t believe it.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. 

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.

I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but almost always end up where I need to be. 

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

In order to fly, all one must do is simply miss the ground.

It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.

It is a rare mind indeed that can render the hitherto non-existent blindingly obvious. The cry ‘I could have thought of that’ is a very popular and misleading one, for the fact is that they didn’t, and a very significant and revealing fact it is too.

Life is wasted on the living.

Space is big. You just won’t believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it’s a long way down the road to the drug store, but that’s just peanuts to space. 

The difficulty with this conversation is that it’s very different from most of the ones I’ve had of late. Which, as I explained, have mostly been with trees.

The impossible often has a kind of integrity which the merely improbable lacks. 

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at and repair. 

The mere thought hadn’t even begun to speculate about the merest possibility of crossing my mind.

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so. 

To give real service you must add something which cannot be bought or measured with money, and that is sincerity and integrity.

We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can’t cope with is therefore your own problem.

You live and learn. At any rate, you live.





MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH!!!

1 03 2011

Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade named BOOK

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits,

….no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on!!!

It’s so easy to use, even a child can operate it. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere — even sitting in an armchair by the fire — yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.
Here’s how it works:

BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more pages.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.

BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The “browse” feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an “index” feature, which
pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval. An optional “BOOKmark” accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session — even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOK markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK’s appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking. Look for a flood of new titles soon!!!





Quotes about Humor #2

27 02 2011

When I’m happy I fell like crying, but when I’m sad don’t feel like laughing.  I think it’s better to be happy.  Then you get two feelings for the price of one.

    -Lily Tomlin

 Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

     -Mark Twain

 A cheerful heart is good medicine

           -Proverbs 17: 22

Half this game is 90% mental.

             Danny Ozark

  If you are losing a tug-of-war with a tiger, give him the rope before he gets to your arm.  You can always buy a new rope.

    Max Gunther

“Were it not for my little jokes, I could not bear the burdens of this office.”
Abraham Lincoln

“A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs—jolted by every pebble in the road.”
Henry Ward Beecher

“Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.”
Kurt Vonnegut

“I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it.”
Frank A. Clark

“Laughter is an instant vacation.”
Milton Berle

“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James

“The kind of humor I like is the thing that makes me laugh for five seconds and think for ten minutes.”
William Davis

“Warning: Humor may be hazardous to your illness.”
Ellie Katz

“Joy in one’s heart and some laughter on one’s lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.”
Hugh Sidey

œ
“A good laugh is good for both the mental and physical digestion.”
Abraham Lincoln

œ

 “A man isn’t poor if he can still laugh.”
Raymond Hitchcock

What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.
Yiddish Proverb

œ
“The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’ but ‘That’s funny….'”
Isaac Asimov





Quotes about Humor

27 02 2011

Almost all new ideas have a certain aspect of foolishness when they are first produced

           -Alfred North Whitehead

 People do not quit playing because they grow old.  They grow old because they quit playing

  -Oliver Wendell Holmes

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

  -Michael Pritchard

You cannot deal with the most serious things in the world unless you understand the amusing

  -Winston Churchill

 Sometimes you’re the bug, sometimes you’re the windshield.

      -Unknown

Sometimes you’re the whack, sometimes you’re the mole.

      -Unknown

œ

 Comedy is for those who think and a tragedy is for those who feel.

            -Horace Walpole

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

     -Victor Borge

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

             -Erma  Bombeck

Mirth is God’s medicine

           -Henry Beecher

Among those whom I like, I can find no common denominator: but among those I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.

            -W. H. Auden

Laughter is, after speech, the chief thing that holds society together.

  -Max Eastman

He who laughs, lasts.

           -Norwegian Proverb

The jester is brother to the sage.

            -Arthur  Koestler

Humor is a means of obtaining pleasure in spite of the  distressing affects that interfere with it.   

   Freud

Humor at its best is a kind of heightened truth- a super-truth.

-E. B. White

Dictators fear laughter more than bombs

-Arthur Koestler

The most wasted day of all is that on which we have not laughed.

-Sebastian Chamfort





Funny Statements to Start Your Day

22 02 2011
  1.  Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.  The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.                                                                                                                                                                    

  2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.  The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

  3. A dyslexic man walks into a bra…….

  4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

  5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: A beer please , and one for the road.”

  6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.  One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?’!

  7. “Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.  Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”  “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.  “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

  8.  An invisible man marries an invisible woman.  The kids were nothing to look at either.

  9. Deja Moo: the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

  10.  I went to buy come camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

  11.  I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.





The Ten First Place Winners in the International Pun Contest

30 08 2010

Here are some humorous puns to share with others..

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1.    A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.  The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

2.    Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, “Dam!”

3.    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

4.    Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”

5.    Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root  canal?  His goal: transcend dental medication.

6.    A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing  in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  “But why?”, they asked, as they moved off.  “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

7.    A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in  Spain ; they name him “Juan.”  Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.  Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.  Her husband responds, “They’re twins!  If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

8.    A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.   He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.  He went back and begged the friars to close.  They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” the friars to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9.    Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered                from bad breath.  This made him (Oh, dude, this is so bad, it’s good…..) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.





Motivational Quotations: Playful

13 05 2010
  • Playful: Finding humor, the whimsical, incongruous, and unexpected

If you can laugh at it, you can live with it.”
Erma Bombeck”Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.”
Victor Borge

“The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed.”
Sebastien-Roch Nicolas de Chamfort

“I’d rather be a failure at something I enjoy than be a success at something I hate.”
George Burns

“The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.”
Mark Twain

“People are at their most mindful when they are at play. If we find ways of enjoying our work—blurring the lines between work and play—the gains will be greater.”
Ellen Langer

“You can increase your brain power three to fivefold simply by laughing and having fun before working on a problem.”
Doug Hall

“Fun is going to enhance interest, because people don’t feel incompetent when they’re having fun.”
Matthew S. Richter


“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore

“Humor comes from self-confidence. There’s an aggressive element to wit.”
Rita Mae Brown

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin

“Were it not for my little jokes, I could not bear the burdens of this office.”
Abraham Lincoln

 
“A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs—jolted by every pebble in the road.”
Henry Ward Beecher

“Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.”
Kurt Vonnegut

“I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it.”
Frank A. Clark

“Laughter is an instant vacation.”
Milton Berle

“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James

“The kind of humor I like is the thing that makes me laugh for five seconds and think for ten minutes.”
William Davis

“Warning: Humor may be hazardous to your illness.”
Ellie Katz

“Joy in one’s heart and some laughter on one’s lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.”
Hugh Sidey

“A good laugh is good for both the mental and physical digestion.”
Abraham Lincoln

“A man isn’t poor if he can still laugh.”
Raymond Hitchcock

What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.
Yiddish Proverb

“The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’ but ‘That’s funny….'”
Isaac Asimov





Medicine Show Sales Pitch

7 03 2010

Here is a comedy Medicine Show sales pitch that is filled with wordplay and silliness.  I want to thank Len “Doc” Wayne for ideas and inspiration for this.  His books and scripts are funny and well-written.  Track them down if you want ideas for magicians, entertainers and public speakers.

                             Medicine Show Pitch

(by Bob Bishop)

Ladies and gentleman, young and old, wise and otherwise before I start speaking let me say this.  I’m here today to elucidate, educate and enumerate a few priceless gems of wisdom that I have learned during my far‑flung life travels around the civilized and uncivilized world.  Yes, I come with a Suma Con Loudmouth Degree from Dim Wit U.  And furthermore it’s needless to say it’s needless to say and with that said I am here to say that one of the greatest goals man can attain is the conquest over human pain.  Now how about you? Yes, You!

Are you hurtin for certain?  Uh uh

Has your get up and go got up and went?  Uh uh

Have you blarted your bramisham and decasified your crambus?  Uh uh

Are you working your bingers to the phone and getting only phony bingers?  Uh uh

Well, pobodie’s nerfect. That’s right!

Well, whimper, weep and wallow in misery no more.  You brought your face to the right place. Now step in a little closer flokes because these arcane mysteries and esoteric anomalies are not for the  unassuming, unsophisticated, unwashed unsuspecting populace‑but for your tender ears and yours alone.

Friends, I know that you are all anxious for me to gesticulate about the perpendicular, pluperfect wondrous edifications of this Elixir of Life.  Let’s not bush around the beat any longer. Here is the answer to your questions, the solution to your problem and ailment for your cure. I am proud to prevent our High‑Potency Liver Regulated Gasteral Pepto Elmulsifiyer. Wow!

If you are like most people, and most people are, you won’t pass up this one and only, original, one‑hundred percent genuine respirated, perspirated, confiscated, ventilated, highly concentrated spiritus fermenti…compounded by me from an ancient secret concoction of natural and unnatural sperbs and hices. We have done extensive, expensive, recessive research and have left no turn unstoned to bring this truly pharmacopeia of medicinal wonders that will knock the behoozies out of everything that ails you from pain in the gasorkis to erasceration in your sabrifrom.  All this with no salubrius side effects.

And my friends it’s all blended to absolute perfection right in the privacy of my very own bath tub. Yes, flokes this is the very same hopping, skipping, jumping for joy juice that’ll put superlatives in your superscrazal, razzle in you dazzle, zippity in your doo‑dah, doo‑doo in your whoop‑de‑do..and dah dah in your lah‑de‑dah.

Do you feel perflexed, exasperated, flaxicated, irritated and agitated?  This will kick‑start your  faluzy and ignite that creative spark in your cerebral cortex.

So in confusion let me say this.

Don’t bite the hand that lays the golden egg. Don’t let a gift horse in the house because a horse divided against itself cannot stand or sit very well either. And if our High‑Potency Liver Regulated Gasteral Pepto Elmulsifiyer doesn’t sit well with you just return the unused portion of this wonderful Elixir and we’ll return the unused portion of your money. Be sure you read the label for more inflammation. Remember you can lead a horse to water but a pencil must be lead.  So get the lead out and buy High‑Potency Liver Regulated Gasteral Pepto Elmulsifiyer.





Problem Solving: A Student’s Guide for Math Without Thinking

16 02 2010

 PROBLEM SOLVING: A Student’s Guide

This set of rules will get you through even the longest assignment in the minimum time with little or no thinking. 

Rule 1 

If at all possible, avoid reading the problem.  Reading the problem only consumes time and causes confusion.

Rule 2

Extract the numbers from the problem in the order in which they appear. Pay no attention for numbers written in words.

Rule 3

If rule 2 yields three or more numbers, the best bet for getting the answer is adding them together.

Rule 4

If there are only two numbers which are approximately the same size, then subtraction should give the best results.

Rule 5

If there are only two numbers in the problem and one is much smaller than the other, then divide if it goes evenly-otherwise, multiply.

Rule 6

If the problem seems like it calls for a formula, pick a formula that has enough letters to use all the numbers given in the problem.

Rule 7

Never, never spend too much time solving problems.

 





Valentine’s Love Letter

14 02 2010

A Love Letter Straight from L.A. (Lower Alabama)

 Collards is green,

my dog’s name is Blue

and I’m so lucky

to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk

a‑flapping in the breeze.

Softer than Blue’s

and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,

which excite me in May.

You ain’t got no scales

but I luv you anyway.

Yo’re as satisfy’n as okry

jist a‑fry’n in the pan.

Yo’re as fragrant as “snuff”

right out of the can.

You have some’a yore teeth,

for which I am proud;

I hold my head high

when we’re in a crowd.

On special occasions,

when you shave under yore arms,

well, I’m in hawg heaven,

and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,

they all want to know,

what I did to deserve

such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape

yo’re there fer yore man,

to patch up life’s troubles

and fix what you can.

Yo’re as cute as a junebug

a‑buzzin’ overhead.

You ain’t mean like those far ants

I found in my bed.

 Cut from the best cloth

like a plaid flannel shirt,

you spark up my life

more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight

like a padded gunrack,

my life is complete;

Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.

Yore complexion, it’s perfection,

like the best vinyl sidin’.

despite all the years,

yore age, it keeps hidin’.

Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie

with a RC cold drank,

we go together

like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate

for Valentine’s Day;

They git it at Wal‑Mart,

it’s romantic that way.

Some men git roses

on that special day

from the cooler at Kroger.

“That’s impressive,” I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds

from a flea market booth.

“Diamonds are forever,”

they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,

these won’t do.

Cause yor’e too special,

you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,

without taste nor odor,

more useful than diamonds…

IT’S A NEW TROLL’N MOTOR!!

Luv, from yor romeo





Forced Dilemma Game

10 02 2010

This game involves forcing the participants in making a choice when neither one is attractive or involves some metaphorical interpretation.  The object is to put the participants on the horns of a dilemma or between a rock and a hard place. Participants are pushed to not say “neither one” or to interpret the choice so that one would include the other so as to soften the dilemma. The object is to struggle with an either/or choice. The leader gives the choices to each participant and they must defend their choice with three good reasons. Here are two types of game play:

 Would you rather….?  (Examples)

Would you rather be rich or famous?

Would you rather ride a roller coaster or a mechanical bull?

Would you rather have the power to fly or the power to disappear?

Would you rather be a baby again or seventy years old?

Would you rather be gossiped about or lied to?

Would you rather have a life of good memories or a life full of exciting

adventures you couldn’t remember?

Would you rather have no values or have no friends?

Would you rather try everything and succeed at nothing or try only one thing and succeed?

Would you rather be convicted of something you didn’t do or see someone else convicted for something you did?

Would you rather do a job well and be grossly underpaid or do a job poorly and be paid so much it feels like stealing?

Would you rather see every movie in slow motion or at double speed?

Would you rather be really smart and really boring or really dumb and entertaining?

Would you rather have the theme song of your choice play whenever you walk or have your own mood lighting wherever you are?

Would you rather have a nose that glows red when you get excited or have steam come out of your ears when you get mad?

Would you rather be stranded on a deserted island or live your life in a bubble?

Would you rather go back in time and give your younger self advice that will change your life or go into the future and find out what you will encounter in years to come?

Would you rather always look tremendous but say the wrong thing to everyone you meet or always say the right thing but look terrible?

Would you rather have everything you say and do revealed publicly or live in total obscurity like a hermit?

Would you rather lose your ability to speak or move for one year?

Would you rather know all but be bitter or know nothing and be optimistic?

Would you rather always succumb to peer pressure or have no one ever like you?





Quotes about Humor

3 01 2010

Good advice about the importance of humor…

Moderate strength is shown in violence, supreme strength is shown in levity.

G.K. Chesterton

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

-Michael Pritchard

You cannot deal with the most serious things in the world unless you understand  the amusing

-Winston Churchill

Comedy is for those who think and a tragedy is for those who feel.

-Horace Walpole

Wrinkles merely indicate where smiles have been.

-Mark Twain

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

-Victor Borge

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

-Erma  Bombeck

Mirth is God’s medicine

-Henry Beecher

Laughter is, after speech, the chief thing that holds society together.

-Max Eastman

He who laughs, lasts.

-Norwegian Proverb

The jester is brother to the sage.

-Arthur Koestler

Humor is a means of obtaining pleasure in spite of the distressing affects that interfere with it.

-Freud

Dictators fear laughter more than bombs

-Arthur Koestler

The most wasted day of all is that on which we have not laughed.

-Sebastian Chamfort

When I’m happy I fell like crying, but when I’m sad don=t feel like laughing.  I think it’s better to be happy.  Then you get two feelings for the price of one.

-Lily Tomlin

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

-Mark Twain

A cheerful heart is good medicine

-Proverbs 17: 22

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs–jolted by every pebble in the road.

-Henry Ward Beecher

The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.

-Voltaire

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion….I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

-Kurt Vonnegut

Even professional comedians don’t know if their humor will work until they try, and sometimes it doesn’t.

-Ester Blumenfeld

In matters of humor, what is appealing to one person is appalling to another.

-Melvin Helitzer

Since no one knows quite how to measure irony, it is difficult to establish a recommended daily amount, but I think it safe to say that no day is complete without a good dose or two of irony.

-Joseph Meeker

A since of humor means looking at things from an offbeat angle

-Malcolm L. Kushner

I don’t know what humor is.

– Will Rogers

All I know about humor is that I don’t know anything about it.

-Fred Allen.

There are three rules for creating humor, but unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

-Laurence J. Peters

I realize that humor isn’t for everyone.  It’s only for people who want to have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive.

Anne Wilson Schaef

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

-Phyllis Diller

Children have a remarkable talent for not taking the adult world with the kind of respect we are so confident it ought to be given.  To the irritation of authority figures of all sorts, children expend considerable energy in clowning around.  They refuse to appreciate the gravity of our monumental concerns, while we forget that if we were to become more like children our concerns might not be so monumental.

-Conrad Hyers

A little craziness once in a while prevents permanent brain damage.

-Unknown

Life literally abounds in comedy if you just look around you.

-Mel Brooks





Humorous Questions that make You Think Twice Part 2

2 01 2010

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time band leaders semiconductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?

Day light savings time-why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

 If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

 Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

 Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic’?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries have a ‘use by’ date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no‑one would eat?

 Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out’?

 What do people in China call their good plates?

 If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

  Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash courses?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help “groups”?

How do you get off a nonstop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing “Happy Birthday?”

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear ear muffs?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

Why do the signs that say “Slow Children” have a picture of a running child?

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one enjoys it! ?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?!

 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

f lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys              deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaner depressed?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?                          Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their               pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?





Quotations About Humor

25 09 2009

Almost all new ideas have a certain aspect of foolishness when they are first produced

           -Alfred North Whitehead

 

People do not quit playing because they grow old.  They grow old because they quit playing

    -Oliver Wendell Holmes

 

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

  -Michael Pritchard

 

You cannot deal with the most serious things in the world unless you understand  the amusing

  -Winston Churchill

 

Sometimes you’re the bug, sometimes you’re the windshield.

     -Unknown

 

Comedy is for those who think and a tragedy is for those who feel.

-Horace Walpole

 

Wrinkles merely indicate where smiles have been.

-Mark Twain

 

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

-Victor Borge

 

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

-Erma  Bombeck

 

Mirth is God’s medicine

-Henry Beecher

 

Among those whom I like, I can find no common denominator: but among those I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.

-W. H. Auden

  

Laughter is, after speech, the chief thing that holds society together.

 

-Max Eastman

 

 He who laughs, lasts.

-Norwegian Proverb

 

The jester is brother to the sage.

     -Arthur  Koestler

 

Humor is a means of obtaining pleasure in spite of the distressing affects that interfere with it.

-Freud

 

Humor at its best is a kind of heightened truth- a super-truth.

-E. B. White

 

Dictators fear laughter more than bombs

-Arthur Koestler

 

The most wasted day of all is that on which we have not laughed.

-Sebastian Chamfort

 

When I’m happy I fell like crying, but when I’m sad don’t feel like laughing.  I think it’s better to be happy.  Then you get two feelings for the price of one.

-Lily Tomlin

 

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

-Mark Twain

 

 

A cheerful heart is good medicine

 -Proverbs 17: 22

 

 Half this game is 90% mental.

Danny Ozark





The Joy and Art of Problem Solving

24 09 2009

Since……

 

Problems are inevitable and unavoidable.

 

They are the means by which we grow.  They are not necessarily “bad.”

 

There is no such thing as a problem without a gift in it.

 

Problem solving is one of the critical and central activities in one’s life.

 

Problems come in all shapes, sizes, varieties, and levels of difficulty.

 

Problems grow more complex each year.

 

Problem solving can be easier, more effective, and more fun if you have a flexible system for solving problems.

 

There is no substitute for experience.  If you want to become a better problem solver, you must practice, practice, practice.  Hence, the more problem solving you do, the better problem solver you become.

 

 

Some tools for solving problems…..

PROBLEM SOLVING:

A Student’s Guide

Rule 1 

If at all possible, avoid reading the problem.  Reading the problem only consumes time and causes confusion.

Rule 2

Extract the numbers from the problem in the order in which they appear. Pay no attention for numbers written in words.

Rule 3

If rule 2 yields three or more numbers, the best bet for getting the answer is adding them together.

Rule 4

If there are only two numbers which are approximately the same size, then subtraction should give the best results.

Rule 5

If there are only two numbers in the problem and one is much smaller than the other, then divide if it goes evenly-otherwise, multiply.

Rule 6

If the problem seems like it calls for a formula, pick a formula that has enough letters to use all the numbers given in the problem.

Rule 7

Never, never spend too much time solving problems.

This set of rules will get you through even the longest assignment in the minimum time with little or no thinking.

 

 

Tools That May Really Help

Problem Solving Tools You May Use 

1. Rephrasing:

Often a problem seems complex or hard to understand simply because the words used are complicated, vague, or confusing.  By rephrasing the problem in your own words, you can get it organized in your mind.  Put the problem in your own words until you feel comfortable with your understanding of the problem.

Try stating the goal in your own words and as completely as you possibly can.

 

2. Possibility listing:

One of the easiest and most effective ways to get control of a confused situation is simply to itemize the variables and possibilities involved.  This involves making a list of the key factors involved. In this case the further analysis of the puzzle can be transformed into a list of factors that make the puzzle a problem.

Try listing the variables and factors of the problem.

 

3. Identify sub goals:

When a problem is complex, breaking it down into sub problems and solving each part is helpful.  By analyzing the problem carefully and not being distracted by the first thing that comes to mind, you may be able to discover the one key factor that lies at the heart.

Try simplifying the problem or the puzzle by breaking it down into sub-problems and then solving the parts.

 4. Trial and error:

This is the weakest and often the most inefficient method.  It is randomly trying one possibility, then another, and then another. This method is also called guess and check. The correct solution is discovered by chance. This method is testing all the possibilities at random. (It is very probable you will use other methods instead of making a completely exhaustive search)

Try guessing and checking your solution

 

5.     Estimate, predict or project

            Get an idea what the solution would be close to. Predict the range of where the answer might be.

          Try estimating what the answer would be close to

 

  6.  Best first analysis:

 This searching strategy involves testing the most probable or most desirable (or promising) possibility first. This method can also be used on sub goals.  If the first method attempted fails to produce a solution the second best choice is tried.

Try the most desirable choice first.

 

 

7. Worst first analysis:

This searching strategy involves testing the least probable or desirable (or promising) possibility first. This method can also be used on sub goals.  If the first method attempted fails to produce a solution the second least desirable choice is tried.

Try the least desirable choice first.

 

 

8. Process of Elimination:

This method is organizing the possibilities by eliminating what does not work. This process may be used to solve sub goals and categorizing trial and error testing.

Try eliminating the possibilities that do not work.

 

 

9. Jump the Track:

Often problem solvers get stuck in a mental rut and do the same process over and over.  Stopping to reconsider the whole course of your attack on the problem may help.  Start again with a completely different approach or a different point of view. Enlarge the range of options to include unusual ones.

Try a totally different approach.

 

 

10. Look for patterns:

By examining the puzzle carefully, a pattern for arranging the pieces or in the solution may be observed. This may be patterns in shapes, color, size, process of steps or a hidden code.

Try looking for a hidden pattern.


 

11. Draw or use a diagram, table, or model:

Problems are often approached by sketching out the process on paper.  Often Athinking with a pencil@ helps clarify the thinking process.

Try looking using a pencil to sketch or keep track of your thinking process.

 

12. Work backwards:

When the goal is clear, you can begin there and work backwards.  Taking a completed puzzle apart piece by piece, or working a maze backwards or completing describing the finished puzzle may help in the process.

Try working backwards by understanding what the solved problem must look like.       

 

13. Simplify

Do a simpler problem of the same kind to understand the method.  Apply that method to the present problem.

          Try doing a simpler problem of the same kind and apply that method.

 

14. Logic

          When there are steps that depend on each other, decide which step goes first. After that, decide the steps that follow in a reasonable order.  Discover how the steps fit together with phrases such as: If I do this, then this will happen.

          Try breaking the steps of problem into a reasonable order.

 

15. Act it Out

                                                                                                                                                                                        

          Often it helps to play act the problem by demonstrating the situation physically.                                                             

Try play acting the problem by demonstrating the situation.

 

16.  Create an equation                                                

Practice some algebra by using letters as variables to represent unknown quantities. Solving the equation leads to the solution of the problem

Try using algebra as a mathematical “shortcut”.





Math Magician helps Students to Want to Study Numbers USA

17 09 2009

By Courtney Cobb – Journal Writer

math

POCATELLO, IDAHO – A new spin has been put on mathematics as Tendoy Elementary students use some magic to study various math concepts.

Bob Bishop, the Math Magician, has delighted students in kindergarten through sixth grade and teachers with his magic skills and math abilities over the past week.

“Math is so necessary in life,” he said. “It’s not just making math fun, but it’s also trying to attach some sense of understanding for students.”

Fifth grade teacher Vicki Reeder’s class had the opportunity to spend some time with Bishop while working on problem solving skills.

Students worked with calculators, the box of magic, learned how to do multiplication tables with their fingers, played a game called fast and loose and other activities.

During a game of fast and loose, Bishop produced a single chain and proceeded to fold it into a series of loops.

Students were asked to pick a loop and place their finger inside it. If they had guessed correctly the loop would stay around their finger. However, if they guessed incorrectly, the loop would slip away.

“You will win if you know mathematics, but you’ll lose if you don’t,” Bishop said.

Students learned how to follow the loops and determine the correct place to put their fingers.

Bishop has been performing for students and other audiences for 10 years and says he continually teaches students and teachers how math can be fun.

He said many students work with arithmetic but don’t fully understand problem solving skills.

With the help of a little magic, students are forced to observe the environment around them for any changes and think about possible outcomes.

“Generally students don’t really care to do math because it’s not fun,” Bishop said. “By making it interesting and proving to them they can do it, it helps to raise their self-esteem and interest level in math.”

Bishop will perform along with Tendoy Elementary students at 6:30 p.m. today for a Math Night.

Fifth grade student Quinci Shelley is acting as Bishop’s assistant during the show and said she can’t wait to perform for other students.

“I think it’s cool and it’s a good opportunity for us,” she said. “Some people don’t like math, but when they see this show it sparks their interest.”

Fifth grade student Brant Leo will lead the audience in applause, but said working with Bishop has been great because he’s learned new things.

“He’s helping students to improve their math by using cool tricks,” he said.

Bishop also worked with teachers after school and gave them various activities they can do with students in their classrooms.

“By making math fun, students will learn to enjoy it more and it will give them a sense of pride as they figure out difficult problems,” he said.





Bob Bishop in the News

17 09 2009

Bob, the Mad Scientist Magician!!!!!

Bob Bishop has been busy teaching and performing.  He has created a large stage magic program seen on his website.  This program was performed at many YMCA and Boys and Girls clubs in Idaho.

Most recently he performed a motivational presentation with JohnTyler

Here is a a short video of John and Bob  at the Curb Cup Street Performer celebration in Boise Idaho.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xkGto4rgKIA

Here is a further description

http://www.gr8magic.com/robot_magician_17.html





Terribly Terrific Tongue Twisters

14 09 2009

Each must be said three quickly times!

 

 

Trumpeter Tom was terribly tickled to take time today to trumpet tidy tunes.

 

A nosey boy annoys a nosey oyster.

 

Ruth’s washed roof’s wet.

 

We won by one run.

 

The spunky punk thunk the skunk stunk.

 

A manager of an imaginary menagerie.

 

Pick up a teacup and hiccup.

 

Cooked cupcakes

 

Walt wrote what Wendy read.

 

Luminous linoleum and voluminous aluminum.

 

Mrs. Muster mixed a mess of mushy mustard.  A mess of mushy mustard did Mrs, Muster mixed.  If Mrs. Muster mixed a mess of mushy mustard, where’s the mess of mushy mustard Mrs. Muster mixed?

 

Rooty toot two to you too.

 

Dust buster must bust dust.

 

Which witch watched which witch?

 

Thad thanked Theo for thwarting the worst theft.





Tongue Twisters – Brain Teasers

14 09 2009

The following unpunctuated passages are tongue twisters and brain teasers.  First see how fast you can read them aloud, then reread them with the expression of an elocution student.  Finally, explain the situations described without laughing or even smiling.  You will find this is not easy to do.

Why Went Went Without Go

Mr. Go and Mr. Went had a date to see a ball game so…Go knew Went wanted to go but it depended upon when Went went so Go went to Went to get Went to go but Went told Go to go so Go went after Go went Went went after Go to tell Go to go not knowing Go went to phone Went not to go When Went went to tell Go to go and when Go went to let Went know Go wanted Went not to go is not known and that’s why Go went without Went and Went went without Go.

See, Sore and a Seesaw

Mr.  See and Mr. Sore were old friends.  See owned a saw and Sore a seesaw Now See’s saw sawed Sore’s seesaw before Sore saw See which made Sore sore with See had Sore seen See’s saw before See’s saw sawed sore’s seesaw then See’s saw would not have sawed Sore’s seesaw.  But See saw Sore and sore’s seesaw before Sore saw See’s saw, so you see how Sore saw could saw Sore’s seesaw.  It was a shame to see See see sore so sore with See just because See’s saw sawed Sore’s seesaw.

A Tough Fight at the Fort

General Fite stormed the fort of General Fort Fite fought at Fort’s for before Fort could fight Fite but Fite’s unfortified fort enabled Fort to fight Fit better than Fite fought Fort So Fite fought Fort and Fort fought Fit at Fort’s fort and boy how Fort fought Fite If Fort had fought fite before Fite’s unfortified fort instead of fort fighting Fite before Fort’s fort then Fort and Fite might no have fought and there would be no need for Fort’s fort and Fite’s fight.